Since its Joe week here, I’ve got three Joe mini-rants to share…
1. I get that kids enjoy firing missile launchers, but can we make them a little more sensical? There are a couple of good ones like the Ice Viper’s (best one ever) or Sgt. Stone’s which looks like a remote control missile launcher. But then there are strange ones that make no sense at all. A missile launcher you hold with one hand like a revolver? I’m sure that wouldn’t rip your arm off. Or how about Helix’s absurd satellite dish missile. Is that for when you need great reception, only way over there? Then there’s the Para-Viper’s strange helicopter-thing that he can’t hold onto correctly without being cut to ribbons. Hope Cobra has a good health plan. Don’t even get me started on the suction cup that Duke can hang from. What kid hasn’t wished for one of those?
2. Ugly girl faces. I don’t think the sculptors at Hasbro hate women, but it sometimes seems like they do with the mongoloid dog-faces that I see on the pegs. The first movie Baroness figure looked like it was contorting its face. Cover Girl, who is supposed to be on par with a supermodel, looked more like a Cro-Magnon with that huge forehead. And what the hell happened to Scarlett? In the movie, she was hot. The toy, with that pasty white complexion and blank stare on her face, looks more like an understudy for the remake of Nosferatu. I will give Hasbro props for Helix and Paris Pursuit Baroness though. Even though neither of them are perfect, they are at least decently good looking and, most importantly, recognizable as women.
3. This year, the GI Joe Fan Club is doing something extra cool with the old-school Adventure Team being remade in 25th Anniversary style. They were even cool enough to throw in Dr. Venom and some cool AT vehicles. Sounds like a winner all-around right? Well, kinda. Sure, we get four of the original Adventure Team members, all with those cool Chuck Norris beards, but guess what we don’t get? The black guy. You see, back in the far off land of 1970, when the Adventure Team first debuted, it consisted of nine figures. Two of those figures were African-American. There was the regular Adventurer, and the Adventurer Team Commander (with talking action). Now don’t get me wrong, I love the 25th Anniversary Adventure Team. I will buy all of them. I just wish there was a little more diversity in the group at the onset. Especially since even the four we’ve seen so far aren’t guaranteed to be made. It would have been awesome to have a bad-ass black Adventure Team Commander, with an equally bad-ass afro, leading the charge against Dr. Venom.