Christmas is rushing towards us at full steam and I’ll be out of town for the next few weeks, so it’s time for another one of my holiday lists.

• The newspeople would like us to think we aren’t spending any money this year, but I’m pretty sure they’re wrong. No, I haven’t taken any polls or the sales figures, but I’ve been to the stores – either people are spending more than they are letting on, or they’re just going to the stores to get in my way.
• Speaking of getting in my way, while you’re out shopping or milling around or whatever you’re doing, keep this one thing in mind. There’s probably someone behind you, maybe it’s me or someone very much like me, who is boiling over in a murderous rage on the inside because the people in front of him are so adept at walking slowly, it is only matched by their ability to somehow take up the entire aisle.
• The 15th will be here sooner than you think, so everyone needs to be ready to rush to Matty’s site and order their toys. Then we can all wait for them to be delivered sometime next year. Thanks Digital River.
• I’m being bombarded with free or low shipping offers for stores that are always sold out of the one or two items I actually want.
• My favorite time of day is 5:00 PM when the sun sets. Now, when it’s 7pm, it feels like midnight. It’s almost like time travel.
• All the Targets, Walmarts, and TRU’s still have the same Cyborgs, Captain Colds, and Fire/Ice 3pks they had three months ago. Where the hell are all those grandparents that were supposed to being buy these for Christmas?
• The endless search of trashed toy aisles, where figures could be multiple aisles away. It’s like a scavenger hunt every time you go to the toy isle and the prize always seems to be disappointment.
• Inevitably, someone will buy me Palmer’s Chocolates. How are they even still in business? It’s like rat poison wrapped in tar. No thanks Grandma, I’d rather have some of that ribbon candy that’s petrified itself into one giant candy dish fossil.
• I sold some stuff on Ebay for extra Christmas cash. Now, I just have to remember to bring my sleeping bag to the Post Office with me when I go to mail the stuff. I appreciate the guy who puts a hundred stamps all over his package instead of just buying that handy postage label the clerk could print out. I especially enjoy watching the joyless clerk have to stamp the package fifty times to postmark every stamp.
• And I really appreciate Ebay for making sure I pay through the nose and jump through all the hoops because the buyers might be sad.

I love the holidays.

-Mr. Rant